Review: Goatvulva ”Goatvulva” [Werewolf Records]

With a name like Goatvulva you know you’re in for a bumpy ride probably with excessive spillages throughout the journey. And so it proves as Goatvulva spread their stinking seed across 31 hit ‘n’ run tracks that make up this at time unnerving self-titled album.

The tone is unpleasant throughout, leaving you shifting uneasily in your seat as the sex fiends work their way through the likes of “Midnight Suck Session,” “Wanna Drill Your Hole” and “Nuclear Clit Game”.

With 31 songs to choose from you’d think at least a few would not be full of the old bump and grind, but no… the sonic spunk session continues with “Mistress from Hades,” “Blasphemous Sexfago” and “At the Gates of Fornication”.

Don’t expect much in the way of melody from Goatvulva either, the dominant sounds throughout are whispered eerie voices and a sex-laden smorgasbord of panting oooohs and aaaagghs sampled straight from whichever 70s porno flick these grubmeisters could get their very sticky fingers on.

In the interests of fairness, and just in case anything else did emerge from this very dark hole… and no that was not a song title there… I did commit to all 31 songs, although to be fair most of them lasted not much more than a minute. But even the longer pieces such as “69 Passion” have nothing to sink your teeth into, just a lot more groaning and moaning.

Goatvulva emerged from some dark corner of Finland in the 90s and this album brings together all their rancid releases under the one roof. Exactly who would want to venture under the roof to avail themselves of such nonentities as “Angel Vomit” I can only guess.

Self-professed porno speed freaks they may be, in fact there’s very little speed at work here at all, as the sound is so weighed down with fuzzed feedback that for most of the album even discerning a tempo is in itself something of a challenge.

“Intropic Pleasures” is a whacky electro distraction while I did inadvertently stumble over a riff on “Nocturnal Blessing” which helped reinvigorate me for a minute or two. But before long these underground muff-diving mufflers are back to the day job with skinfuls of distorted grind such as “Satanic Sex” and “Procreation of Black Goat”.

How Goatvulva would come over (sorry!) live is a mystery…but probably one that’s best left unanswered. Alternatively, if you do happen to venture into their lust-filled lair it’s probably best not to stand too close to the stage as you just can’t be sure what emissions may come spurting your way.

If you do happen to pick up a copy of this album, don’t leave it lying around. The sight of the artwork alone could give your mother a stroke… er, no I didn’t mean that!