As would Dante say in movie Clerks: “I’m not even supposed to be here today!”
Is that time of the steaming summer where I’m seriously considering of taking a one way trip to Norway to live somewhere in the hills near Bergen dressed as a goat. In short, sweaty balls is this week’s top aphrodisiac in Croatia. Too fucking hot.
Sounds like a Steel Panther song title, right?
Well, speaking of which they are back tonight giving us another smelly itch to scratch, hopefully without catching any sexual transmitted disease on the long run.
The venue of the glam metal comedy is Tvornica Kulture (or Culture Factory) which in size is quite solid for this kind of event. The doors were opened at 19:00 with a seemingly at the last moment announced warm up act under the name of Damir Simic Shime at 20:00 and I’m really not sure what to think of this.
The first three tracks were pure instrumental where Damir was showing his skills on guitar solos, the issue is, all first three tracks sound pretty much the same and it drags painfully on despite most of them were 3 minutes at length with self-indulgent long solos going nowhere fast. Then Rökindja Nikolić from the local band Flesh got on stage to do some covers from Van Halen. Now Flesh is a pretty good band and they would fit as warm up for Steel Panther way better that this, whatever this was.
With and without the vocals the tracks were performed really solid, same thing with the sound and especially the vocals, but everything felt so out of placed “slapped together at the last minute” with no rhyme or reason. Seemed like a group of guys who squeezed themselves on stage to do some tunes. Somebody owned someone something that was worth 25 minutes on stage performing before Steel Panther so they can later drag about it.
Nevertheless, at around 20:30 they gracefully fucked off so we can watch crew members of the main band prepare the stage for Steel Panther, which was way more fun.
In 21:00 right on que; the sex, the drugs, the Botox, the wigs (way better than those that guys in KISS wear) and everything with the sparkly glam kitchen sink arrived hitting with their track Eyes of the Panther of first album Feel The Steel.
Visually the band is everything that I thought is gonna be, but performance vise it pretty much exceeded all my expectations. Like everyone said that saw their performance, it is choreographed masterfully; every jump, every move of the hand goes to the certain rhythm of the song or riff. The song Tomorrow Night was blasted off right after the first track before Michael Starr and Satchel began their well known banter with the audience, with themselves making the guys from Spinal Tap look like a bunch of Amish blokes. Notably Satchel learned some Croatian words, the “filthy ones” of course. Now I can say that we heard Satchel from Steel Panther yell that he has a small penis in Croatian in front of a seemingly sold out crowd.
Shit like this is going to continue in the rest of this report.
One of the highlights its making fun of Motley Crue with Satchel calling Mike a thinner version of Vince Neil (although most of the human population is thinner than Vince) before playing Crues well known track Shout at the Devil.
Unfortunately, only one third of the song was played, joking that they may get sued for copyright. As far I’m concerned, they could have played the whole track and some from that album.
My sadness quickly ended when Asian Hooker was next on the setlist. A track that I actually heard from them and very much enjoyed. Followed with tracks like Just like Tiger Woods, Friends with Benefits and Death to all but Metal.
Now the first half of this concert was pretty much based on music with some funny banters and comedy on their own expense. The second half was another story. Almost every track was followed some extended monologue or dialogue about someone fucked someone’s mother, how much is someone’s big dick and blowing pure cocaine of someone’s ass.
Precious, I know.
It was slowly turning into a stand up comedy that actually was funny although it can drag for far too long on some times.
Then they got a random girl from the front row on the stage to sing ballads for her like Weenie Ride where the audience sang along on the chorus. Now I can say that I saw a sold out audience singing another word for the cowgirl pose while Mike was seemingly courting the girl.
But one girl on stage was not enough. No, no, no.
The song 17 Girls in the Row was next which meant 17 more girls on the stage. I shit you not.
There was no orgy during the song and nobody, and I mean nobody flashed their tities. I shit you not.
Speaking of I shit you not, Dino Jelusic (of Whitesnake, Animal Drive and many other bands) got on the stage as well, but not during the whole shebang with the girls because Steel Panther don’t share. Dino was actually was the supporting act for Steel Panther the first time they were here. We would be defiantly better off if he reprised his role this time as well. Nevertheless his surprise guest performance was well done although he was seemingly a bit shy in singing some choice words that Steel Panther was well known about. Especially for the track Gloryhole where he pretty much spend his time behind the bass player like he was in fear that his mom would see him singing those “filthy words”.
Unfortunately, Gloryhole was the last track of the setlist with the band spending the last minutes on stage throwing hats at each other. It was still fun but in reflection a bit of a lame ending. One more hard hitting track would definitely be a better option than a slapstick sketch. This is said for a reason because Satchels and Mikes performance fucking defies their old age.
With that being said, a shitload of praise for the choreography, and not just for the band but from the crew members as they were running around from time to time fixing the bands so called mistakes and stage malfunctions.
You are really seeing comedy theatre at times more than a musical performance. I just wish that the scales are a bit more towards the musical side, but that’s just me. I still had a blast and this is speaking from a person that barely listens to the band.
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